Today’s WHATTHEFUCK. Amazon is filled with all sorts of self-published works of fiction, how-to, self-help and other random pieces of writing that defy description. Anyone can publish their own eBooks and this has lead us to a place where every fetish imaginable has been exhausted and we’re now into the unimaginable.
This being us to… Creamed In The Butt By My Handsome Living Corn. A book that… well, it’s about a farmer named Matthew McConneymay who meets Lipton, a… man-sized ear of corn who’s funny and charming and headed to the same agricultural conference as our protagonist… you know how these things go… boy meets vegetable and things heat up.
One of the more touching moments is how Matthew is taken with the corn’s beautiful yellow kerneled skin.
It’s also rather telling that even though Matthew is willing to date pretty much anything, but he still manages to find one that looks like himself.
The year was 1978 and… well, Star Wars had been around for about a year and a half. It had only grown in popularity and fans couldn’t get enough Star Wars anything.
While home video didn’t exist yet and the movie hadn’t been shown on TV, fans shelled over money for comic books, posters, novels, action figures, space ship miniatures and pretty much anything else with Star Wars on it.
While a sequel movie was already being planned, it was years off and to keep people from forgetting or moving on, CBS suggested a TV special. Bruce Vilanch was one of the writers and he was tasked with following the idea of George Lucas to have it mostly speechless Wookies grunting at each other for 2 hours.
It’s mortifying, but oddly entertaining in the same way it’s fun to watch a building being demolished.
The story is… odd… it has Han, Chewie, Luke and Leah all coming to a sort of Wookie Thanksgiving but they all get delayed by the Empire. Some footage from the original movie is used and a lot of dialogue is lazily dubbed over it. The Death Star is inexplicably back together and Darth Vader makes a sort of cameo appearance (so does Boba Fett who actually debuts in this… mess).
Things to watch for: An alien cooking show featuring Harvey Corman that isn’t mildly amusing for about 30 seconds and then excruciating for the next 8 minutes. Bea Arthur singing a song trying to clear out a bar, Art Carney telling a bunch of very unfunny jokes, Lola Falana playing a CGI masturbation movie (that the grandfather watches while sitting in the living room). Mark Hamill had been in a motorcycle accident so he looks… wrong. Carrie Fisher shows up at the end and is so stoned she seems to be more interested in the invisible butterflies in the room before she bursts into song. There’s also a sort of weird toy circus thing that Lumpy watches for 10 times longer than anyone would want to see it.
Jefferson Starship also sings for some reason.
George Lucas was apparently so horrified by the end result that he refused to ever let it be seen again. But thanks to the wonder of Youtube.. here it is for you. OH and in the book “From A Certain Point Of View,” Chuck S Wendig made Bea Arthur’s character canon which… technically makes this whole mess canon… so… yes, this all happened.
My first love was Han Solo. Not Harrison Ford… Han Solo. But even I had trouble suffering through this mess when it first aired.
The musical Oklahoma is such High School Drama Club and Community Theater boilerplate that pretty much everyone has seen it done in one way or another. The movie is so wholesome that it used to be shown on Sunday night family TV.
It’s so wholesome that the dirtiest thing most of us can think of is the one song where the town “bad girl” sings a song about how she “C’ain’t Say No.” It’s so wholesome it starred Shirley Freaking Jones, for crying out loud.
But some parents of Payson Utah were mortified that the 1999 Broadway revival of the musical starring Hugh Jackman (who sadly… not gay). PBS filmed a live performance for television and use in classrooms.
And THAT is where everything went to shit.
Parents at Payson Junior High accused the Nebo School District of exposing their children to pornography. Not because of the dirty girl who likes to kiss boys, but because of a 7-second shot that shows a few blurry peep-show pictures that are nailed to the wall that Jackman (as Curly) sees on the wall of villain Jud Fry.
“Plum stark naked as a jaybird,” Curly says as an over-the-shoulder shot shows the pictures. “No she ain’t — not quite. She’s got a couple of thingy-bobs tied on her there.” Jud then shows him another picture that the audience can’t see.
“Whew! That’d give me ideas,” Curly says and then the conversation turns to the really morbid part where Curly suggests Jud hang himself.
Apparently the parents didn’t have a problem with the good guy suggesting the bad guy kill himself.
One mother ignited a porno panic on Facebook: “A pornographic movie was shown in a classroom setting to approximately 125 students … among other things, the movie contained an 8-second close-up of 10 full-frontal images of 10 naked women.” (technically, it was 8 and the pictures were so faded and blurry that only one could really be seen with any detail).
Nebo School District begrudgingly agreed in a tacit way… they said that the movie’s screening “violated district policy because the film was not approved by the principal beforehand.” School officials emailed and called parents with an explanation, but no apology.
“This movie was not previewed or approved and some inappropriate material was viewed by the students,” the email says. “As parents, you may want to visit with your student about this.”
The shocking, blink-and-you-miss-it part occurs at 1:05:49-56 in the video below. (Hat Tip YNOT)
It’s hard to know where to start with this. The Brady Bunch Variety Hour was a very unfortunate attempt to recreate the Donny and Marie show using the only whiter TV property… the cast of the Brady Bunch.. who performed in character. Now… most of them couldn’t sing (although the girl recast as Jan could kinda sorta sing) and they really couldn’t dance (although I’d have taken a few pelvic thrusts from Greg) and Alice clearly didn’t know any of the dance steps… Dad couldn’t bend over and the whole thing is such a mess it’s hard to know where to look.
bonus points for that haphazardly thrown together multilayer blue screen at the end that threw in a swimming pool in front of them and miniature kick dancers in front of that…
There is no excuse for this other than “it was the 70s and we didn’t know any better.”
Remember how back in about 1998 someone figured out that if you removed the audio from The Wizard of Oz and replaced it with Pink Floyd’s epic Dark Side Of The Moon, it all lined up and turned an already terrifying children’s movie into a mortifying Gen-X movie of hopelessness? Well… someone’s kinda vamped on that. (if you haven’t seen that, by the way, watch it after the jump…)
If you’re a technophobe who has to work in the digital world (such as myself), this will probably keep you up at night (like it will with me).
This is an ad for Goole Assistant but it’s cut with the audio from the Blade Runner 2049 audio.
It takes a cute advertisement about a small machine that listens to you non-stop 24 hours a day (and then shares that info to a central data cloud and predicts what you’ll say/do/like/buy) and makes it seem like that would be a bad thing.
Now, I only hear about this scene recently. And it was actually on my personal Facebook feed. It popped up because The GayComicGeek commented on an article from gaystarnews.com on how Men.com is under fire for using a didgeridoo as a dildo. Of course, not knowing that it was a men.com scene right away, I had to check out the article, and then I had to find the scene to see what was going on.
I read the article and saw some of the tweets they included as well as some of the comments others have left, and it runs the spectrum of being racially insensitive to you need to get over yourselves. Let it be known that I have no opinion or comment on what the studio is being accused of. I just want to get that out there right now. I’m not here to shove my beliefs on anyone, just here to review some good ol’ dickin. Taking away any symbolism and what the didg is used for, I watched it as if it was no different than someone using a baseball bat as a dildo, or when the girl in American Pie said that one time at band camp she stuck a flute or something in her vagina.
That being said – on to the fucking! So it turns out that Jack Hunter just returned from Down Under, and decided to play his new didgeridoo. Now, the didg has a distinct sound to it, and well, people are going to hear it. Especially if you are in the common areas of a living space. Speaking from personal experience, it can and will be heard. Now Aspen is trying to sleep when this low rumbling interrupts him. He goes out and confronts Jack – that should be the end of it… but of course it’s not. Jack goes back to playing. This of course pisses off Aspen and that’s where the fucking begins. Aspen comes back out, takes the didg and tries to break it over his knee… (it’s a cheap didg, and bends in half.) So then he proceeds to shove it up Jack’s ass. This is where the comedy of porn kicks in – it’s hard to hear, but you will hear Aspen say, “I’m gonna didgeridoo you in the ass…” and apparently Jack likes big things in his hole. After a little bit of work, Aspen decides that Jack’s hole needs a break, so he grabs his head and starts throat fucking him.. I’ve always liked Aspen – he’s hot. Has the right amount of fur and muscle, and a great cock. And it doesn’t help that he’s wearing a black wife beater and those tailored sweats that tend to drive me crazy cause you can see what the guy who’s wearing them is packing. Anyway – So Jack takes Aspen’s throbbing cock very well and I may or may not have shot my load three times watching this scene. Aspen just acts like the right amount of Aggressive Top that I wouldn’t mind getting pounded by once or twice.
Yes, it’s been a while – but I’ve discovered some interesting reading. I have this thing for Chris Hardwick – to me, he’s hilarious. I was introduced to one of his shows, @Midnight – I usually can’t stop laughing. Since the full time job has me in all sorts of weird hours, it’s a staple on the DVR. Anyway, there was one episode where he mentioned this guy, Chuck Tingle, who wrote these odd gay fantasy novels. More like short stories. Anyway, I can’t remember exactly what the context was on the show, but for those of you who haven’t watched, they basically search the interwebs for all sorts of weird, fun, political, strange shit… it varies… and there are three comedians that buzz in and add some sort of whatever to the topic. One show staple is the Hashtag wars… pure gold!
Anyway, back to Chuck. Like I mentioned before, I don’t remember the exact context, but the books were brought up, and somehow this resulted in Chris Hardwick being the subject of one of these Gay Fantasy short stories.
Jump forward to the end of November. I’m getting ready to fly to Chicago for a convention, and was searching for some reading materiel for the kindle. Curiosity totally got the best of me and I was searching Amazon for this book – I found it! And it was only like 2.99 to purchase… I figured, what the hell and bought it. Now on the plane ride, I’m reading this short. And I do mean short… But basically, Chris Hardwick is doing some filming for @midnight, and somehow time freezes, and Chris is taken to the roof of the studio by this “materialization” of his show and takes it up the butt.
Now I’m not sure if I would consider myself a Tignle fan, but I did read one more of his stories – again, it resulted in someone taking some sort of object up the butt. But The Names of these stories are hilarious – With Titles like “Professor T-Rex Teaches Me Gayness” or “Glazed by the Living Donut” They are bound to get a chuckle. Who wouldn’t want to read about Space Raptors fucking Astronauts?
Brent Ray Fraser paints himself naked, rolls his boy up against a white wall and paints images that look rather amazing. The full video is 30 minutes long and I have to admit I found it hard to look away. A rather stunning video. I almost forgot how hot it was…
A mortifying video of watching silicone sex dolls being manufactured.
While it’s fascinating to watch and see how it’s all done, in the end it gives you a rather necrophiliac feeling in your gut to know that while they look very… real-ish, there are men who are going to have sex with them.