No, putting “Contour Makeup” on your dick isn’t gonna make it look bigger. Also, yes, that’s my dick.

You wanna put Lipstick on your Dipstick?

Bronzer on your Boner?

Some… Contour on your Cock?

OK, I’m sorry… this is literally one of the dumbest ideas I’ve heard and I actually do know two men who’ve had their assholes bleached. Now… we’ve all seen our masculine-appearing friends throw on some rouge, some eye shadow, some powder and some mascara and suddenly look like the most beautiful woman one could imagine… so it’s not like makeup can’t work wonders. But “internet-famous makeup artist” Jeffree Star says that he uses makeup to make his Lance Larger (Sorry, I spent all dinner thinking of penis puns and I’m going to use them all).

I contour my shaft a lot,” were his words. And while I’ve seen makeup work magic, I’ve never seen that magic work on an actual wand.

Now… I’m not going to really dump on anyone who wants to add some Womp to their Wang… but aside from a possible good use in intentionally-misleading Grindr pictures to send to Rubes who are gonna know you’ve shafted them in hopes they’d… open the door and let you in… WHO is going to want to do this?

I mean… your dick might look bigger in selfies, but it’s gonna taste REALLY bad and it’s all gonna rub off once the main event starts… right?

While I hate having to be the guy with the bad news…. if there was a way to make your dick bigger… you’d know about it. You’d be able to get it in places other than spam emails and clickbait banners on garbage blogs. They’d be handing it out at the corner of Hollywood and Highland. They’d sell it on the front page of Amazon.

I’d sell it here.

But it doesn’t exist.

So… learn to love your dick. It’s the only one you’ve got.

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